The Dissociation Photography Project (part 2)

Back in May, I released a self-portrait photography collection on both here and my Instagram (@the_queer_lemon_official). Since then, I have continued to work on the project, dedicating my time to see how much I could manipulate the images and find more ways of both exploring my experiences with dissociation, while attempting to further push the boundaries of my own editing capabilities. Through working in therapy, creating new music and writing, I have been able to further my understanding of what I know to be my diagnosis.

My journey to the diagnosis has been a stressful and seemingly never-ending part of my mental health journey. Detailed further in my blog post ‘My Story of Misdiagnosis‘, written at the beginning of 2022. There were many experiences I wasn’t even aware were part of a mental health condition – all I knew was that I was so extremely uncomfortable with the fact I didn’t feel like anything was real, and not being able to understand why I was still able to perceive it, if nothing existed. A very nihilistic view of the world that lead me, over the years, to feeling more and more depressed and isolated, because even the people I care so deeply about, as soon as they were no longer in my view – I couldn’t truly ever be certain that I hadn’t made them up. All of this still being something I deal with every single day.

As I mentioned in part one of this post, The Dissociation Photography Project (Part 1), photography (along with my ventures in writing) has become an amazing outlet and way to explore my connection to the disorder that sometimes plagues me.

The first image in the collection is entitled ‘Another Version of the Self’. It was edited during a time I was writing collections of lyrics and releasing songs relating to feeling like a robot, like I am a machine and not always the one in control. A feeling of autopilot. I wrote about an inventor creating a robot, but hating the creation he has become. A poem had the line: ‘Blame the robot for everything he can’t do, in his metallic flesh is a reflection of you‘, while my song ‘Robots Don’t Bleed’ had the line, “I have your voice but you hate the sound, reflection so unbearable hide me underground. Computer inside metallic flesh, dissociate, protect against distress,“. All of this culminated in this image. A reflection of myself, fearful that I am no more than a robot being used.

The second portrait in this project is called ‘Eyes in the Back of my Head’, which is more of an exploration of the anxiety I feel as part of having mental health issues and dissociation. The added grain is to give an effect of distortion that is felt with dissociation (further explored in the fourth photo ‘Constant Distortion). Not being able to feel like you can truly trust your own eyes can further add to the intense anxiety felt with living with such a condition.

The next photo is entitled ‘Where the Lines Blur’, exploring the mixed states of consciousness and how they can be experienced simultaneously. Half in the inner world and half in the out. Trying to concentrate on both equally is a difficult task, which is where the lines blue, shown with the shadow around my head and a bright light surrounding me. Trying to find my way to a sort of light but being pulled down.

Next in the collection is a photo called ‘Constant Distortion’. At the beginning of the post I mentioned how the feelings of unreality for me are a permanent state of mind experienced on a daily basis. This photo shows the waves in the wall. When I concentrate too much on trying to feel present and grounded, I feel and see a sort of wave, like the heat rising from a car on a hot summer’s day, but it’s always there for me. Sometimes when I am too overwhelmed by this, I don’t wear my glasses. This is why, in every photo in my project, I am not wearing glasses. I feel too overwhelmed by what I’m seeing when I’m dissociated.

The fifth image in my collection is entitled ‘A Small Window Inside’, due to the intense oblong vignette surrounding the image and also the lack of clarity in the portrait itself. It portrays the idea that although I am open to talking about my mental health, through songs, poetry and social media, it only offers a small window into the darkest and truest of my experiences. It is also about how relentless the feelings are and how it doesn’t always feel like others are understanding or aware of how paralysing the condition can be.

This next photo, ‘I’m Hidden’ is another that is inspired by my lyrics from another robot-themed song entitled ‘Reprogram’, which will be out on 10th September. There is a repeated lyric in the song, simply ‘I’m hidden’. To me, it is about the idea of there being a true version of myself buried at the back of my mind that no one else can see. A lonely person screaming, but hidden. Covered by excitement and smiles.

Finally, this last piece makes me really happy! It is called ‘Portal into my World’, and light showing that my photography and a camera can transport people and have a view of my world, I hope that it’s true. I can show people not only how I see myself through things like this project, but I can also show people what I wish I could see of the world and enhance the beauty that otherwise seems two-dimensional to me.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me and allowing this space to express my vulnerability. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read my explorations or look at any of my photography. I hope that anyone who has found this with struggles with dissociation can see that they are not alone. You are not alone, there are other people out there who have these experiences. We are all unique but all fighting this monster together. I hope people could find some comfort in this and those who don’t know too much about depersonalisation, derealisation and dissociation could be more enlightened.

I am working on a part three, so keep your eyes peeled!