I’m going to start off by saying that this topic is something I have wanted to talk about for a long time, but never had the confidence, partly because I thought I would seem crazy or something, but I put a well-received post on my Instagram and thought that I would write a blog post. I never go too in depth in my blog posts, while still talking about my life and experiences. My poetry is simply a creative extension of doing so. I am more than nervous to talk about this topic, despite knowing that I have such a small audience on my blog. There are quite unfortunate circumstances behind why I have actually decided to come out and tell my audience about this, but it all the same, I have decided that this is an important part of my life that I needed to share.
Dissociation occurs when the human mind cannot cope with the reality it is faced with and therefore switches. In my case, it can either switch off completely; whereby I don’t know who I am, where I am or who anyone is, basically I am just a body with no knowledge of anything, including my likes and interests. The other way in which my mind dissociates is by another identity, often known as an alter, take the place of myself and take over my actions. I have three identities or alters, they are called Noah (who is seven years old and obsessed with cuddly toys and superheroes), Sarah (who is a bubbly, gossip girl who loves makeup, chatting and men!) and Darren, Darren is the protector, in the three identities that I have. This means that he was originally split from my personality in order to protect me from the traumas I was facing at the time, so that whenever I feel particularly threatened, Darren will take my place. It is hard talking about this, because Darren doesn’t particularly like it when I talk about him, however I hope that one day he will be able to address my audience for himself. Noah was most likely developed in order to protect me, but in form of remaining in a childlike state and keeping the child in me that was not necessarily allowed to be expressed at that age (that being seven years old). Sarah is still a mystery to me!
After dissociating, I usually don’t remember any or very little of what happened while I was in a different state of consciousness. Sometimes I remember things that either I or another identity said, but very few actions are remembered. In my experience, in terms of the senses, the first sense to go is my sense of smell and then being able to feel things. I can look at my hands and just think ‘that’s not me’ or look in the mirror and see a completely different person – this is known as depersonalisation. I also won’t usually feel like any of my current, past or future experiences or people I know are real and will think everything is fake – this is known as derealisation and can be a common occurrence when experiencing panic attacks. My last sense to go is my hearing, which is why I am usually aware of some of the things I have said while dissociated.
The reason I wanted to write about this topic and ‘come out’ in a sense, is to shed light on an extremely stigmatised topic, even within the world of mental health. It is also because the YouTube influencer, Trisha Paytas, has made a couple of extremely offensive videos claiming to have Dissociative Identity Disorder (or DID). She claimed to have alters and in a second video shows them ‘CAUGHT ON CAMERA’. Trisha Paytas has claimed to be a part of many groups of minorities at this point and the videos are not only poorly acted, but also don’t show how hard it is once you ‘come round’ after dissociating. After I have dissociated, I am usually exhausted and need a nap, and the switching process can also be a distressing one to experience within itself, and none of this is mentioned by Trisha. She has just made another video to upset yet another big community of people.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (which I have been told I suffer from) stems originally from significant or repeated childhood trauma. So it is extremely upsetting to see someone try to add themselves to a community that they clearly simply do not fit. I won’t write much about the trauma side of it, but I am undergoing a lot of helpful therapy in relation to it.
Thank you if you did read all of this,
Hope you’re all well,