My Thoughts on an Imaginary Concept

From a young age we are taught many words, and at a little later stage we are taught many more. One word we are taught from a shockingly young age is: ‘Perfect’. On reflection, I find it hard to understand why such a word would be told to or even be well understood by very young children. Teaching a word such as perfect to a young child, whose comprehension is quickly developing could be detrimental to their entire thought processes. Children are free spirits, yet having work in their books at school or something they do described as being ‘perfect’ by a teacher, parent or peer can build a need for a child to always achieve this ‘perfect’ work. Perfect, by what these children are taught is to have no errors or mistakes, a flawless piece of work, for example. As the child grows and develops their school work and other activities in life because increasingly challenging, making it therefore more and more difficult to achieve perfection. People are also taught (or otherwise shown) that being ‘perfect’ is desirable and something to look to be – this can be so damaging.

This way of thinking and teaching can heavily impact a person’s mentality and self-esteem, which can also lead to mental health complications further down the line. It makes young people compare themselves to others, it makes them judge themselves and the most damaging part of all is that it can make people want to change themselves to achieve what they are told is desirable or ‘perfect’. Once it becomes harder to attain perfection as you progress through life, it can also be a lot more challenging to maintain this status.

More of a Personal Thought:

As with most similar things in life, you have to remember that the idea of perfection is a social construct – made to place people in boxes and put them under pressure to act a certain way; often causing upset and anxiety. I would like to reiterate that the importance of believing in yourself and treating yourself as an individual, rather than feeling the need to conform to societies rules and expectations of people (unless, of course, it is for a legal reason). People often use the expression ‘Nobody’s perfect’, but how often do you believe it? Everyone has their flaws and learning to accept them and live with them is a major importance in life. You should never be afraid of being different.

Overall, I believe that nobody should be placed under scrutiny due to feeling required by themselves or another to be seen as perfect or to conform to certain standards – in any situation. Additionally, I don’t think this word should be used as a goal for anyone to achieve, nor should young children and teenagers have this idea put into their heads. They should be their own people with no fear of seeming different.

Nobody is the same and nobody is perfect!


Colours Fading to Grey

What if one day there was a power cut and the clouds were grey, you were then plunged into a world of grey and gloom and it was pouring with rain. It is colourless and lifeless, seemingly hopeless. You walk every day in search of a source for the darkness, to solve your dilemma. But when you think you’ve reached the answer, all you find is black paint and handfuls of stardust. Where is the bright blue sky? Where are the flowers, the grass, the rainbows? The colours have gone. People walk with a frown and even the happy puppies have lost their playful spark. The birds no longer sing. The air is still; not calm, but grieving over what the world once was… No more.

This is what the world can look like in the eyes of a person with mental health difficulties. The light, the colour, the happiness from the world has been drained; your life personally has been drained and the world you once knew fades far from your view. There is a heartbreaking uncertainty of the future. Your mind is plunged into negative thoughts, sadness, loneliness and overbearing anxiety. Whenever anyone attempts to light up your dark world, your illness extinguishes it.

It can feel like there is no way of moving forward and you are doomed to remain in a life of utter darkness and despair. It isn’t as though you can snap your fingers and rise out of bed one day magically cured, but nor is it the end. Nobody is going to be cursed to live their life colourless, lonely and sad. Depression is not a ‘terminal’ illness and will not die with you. It will not kill you.¬†However, it can alter a person’s perception and quality of life as a whole. Death as a result of a person struggling with their thoughts is a choice that the person makes. This is not to say that they are in complete control all of the time. It requires a lot of thought, though. The thoughts and urges are not something a person controls or chooses to have, but the consequential acts people may take is a different matter entirely. Desperation and urges are not a choice a person makes. People don’t sit down one day and go: “I’m going to have suicidal thoughts today”. It can feel like too much a lot of the time, this is what drives people with mental health difficulties to their very last, ultimate option. It is not the Be All and End All.

I will leave you with a thought. Something that a very wise person once told me, a quote she had read somewhere that she (and I) now carries through her life:

10% is what life throws at us, 90% is how we react to it…

Take that with you.


Thus Far Untitled; A Poem

It was loud,
Or was it silent?
I’m not proud,
I’m not violent.
It doesn’t hurt,
But it’s not nice.
You say, “It has no worth”
And I’ll have to pay the price.
It was dark,
But it seemed so bright!
You say it’s a lark,
I clenched my fist tight…
I feel so alone,
Even with your hand in mine,
Cold as bone,
But I said I was ‘fine’!
I’m so cold,
But my head is hot!
I’m not very old,
Too young I am not!
It’s my decision,
To use this noose,
I use exact precision,
So nothing is loose,
It is my choice,
To commit suicide,
I will use my voice,
But there will be no pride.
I seem so excited,
But I feel so down,
I’ll never be united,
Socially, I drown.
I know you care,
I listened to you,
Really, I swear.
You can’t fix me with glue,
Now it’s tough,
I won’t fail,
I’ve had enough,
With perseverance I shall prevail.

Memory Hoarding

Memories are intangible, so that poses a question: how could you be hoarding them? Well, you don’t have to be holding something or feel it touching you to know that it is there; some things in life you are never going to be able to see or touch – it will not have a physical presence in your life.

I once read the book ‘On the Other Side‘ (by Carrie Hope Fletcher), which centres around a woman who dies and returns to the body of her twenty-seven year old self. The catch is that before she can enter her personalised heaven, she has to let go of her emotional or mental baggage that burdens her; as when she first attempts to get through the door, she is told that she is ‘too heavy’. Now, despite the concept being fictitious and personally not believing in any sort of afterlife, it got me thinking…

Every memory I regard as being ‘important’ to me – positive or not – will stay with me. This will not be a ‘stay with me’ as a short space of time or coming up every once in a while, they are a constant presence, disrupting my day to day thoughts and often the way in which I react to a variety of different situations.

Keeping memories hidden and inside hurts. This is difficult when particular memories arise. These can be triggered by anything; from the weather, certain songs to drives in the car. Memories are painful to me, whether they are positive or negative. The past is something I am constantly finding myself unintentionally dwelling on and every person does it. Do they have their lives disrupted and affected by the fear of accidentally concentrating on the past?

Of course, this could all be something that I experience because of my mental health struggles and has nothing to do with any sort of damaging life experiences I may have had. But I will leave this post with a last, single question:

People often smile on the thought of happy times,

Why can’t I do that?


Next Chapter

Hello, this is your newest weirdo to be intrigued by!

So here is my new blog, enjoy if you can. I am kidding, YOU WILL ENJOY! Sorry for yelling, I’m a little nervous about starting a new blog, after my last one stopped with a post with the title ‘Stopping‘ (go figure). Here I am, trying to claw back some sense of what is real, what is right and what is ‘normal’; oh wait, nothing is normal. (I will address this subject in future post.)

Now for what you will hope (or not hope) to expect to see in this blog, some dark, some light, some day some night:

  • Life updates
  • Likes and interests
  • Book reviews (when I get back into it properly)
  • Film reviews
  • Essays about many different life ‘things’ I have an opinion on
  • Working through memories and life problems
  • My poetry and stories
  • Mental health updates and sharing personal stories.
  • And a whole load of Harry Potter references

I would like to add that I have not created this blog to gain followers, popularity or fame. My true reason, I would say, is to work through the stuff in my head. If anything I say or add to, or any advice I may give helps anyone at all it will be a bonus and so would having followers – despite not necessarily creating a blog for that purpose, it is definitely nice to think that someone somewhere is reading…

A final addition to this strange introduction, is that I have decided that I am only going to use photos I have taken (and if I would ever need to use an image to demonstrate something, I will add that it isn’t mine. If I can find the original creator(s), then credit where credit is due).

I hope you found this somewhat interesting, however on inspection this is a bit of a boring introduction, so I will add a picture of my dog to add a little interest:


Yes, she poses like that all the time!

Kian. J.